Divorce Counselling | Discernment Support & Separation Guidance

Understanding the impact of divorce on mental health is crucial for those navigating this challenging transition. This section delves into the various ways that grieving a divorce can affect an individual’s mental health and overall well-being.

Intense Grief and Loss : The end of a marriage often brings about a profound sense of grief and loss. Individuals may mourn not only the relationship but also their future dreams and plans with their partner. This emotional burden can be overwhelming, leading to feelings of emptiness and despair.

Emotional Struggles Following Divorce: Divorce typically ushers in a period of significant upheaval and unpredictability. Concerns about financial stability, housing, and co-parenting responsibilities can trigger anxiety. The stress from these uncertainties can disrupt one’s ability to focus on daily tasks.

Impact on Self-Perception: The end of a marriage can leave individuals questioning their self-worth and value. They may internalize the blame for the relationship’s failure or struggle with feelings of inadequacy. This can lead to a negative self-perception and diminished self-esteem.

Navigating Rejection and Desertion: Feelings of rejection and abandonment are common during a divorce, especially if one partner did not initiate the separation. Individuals may feel betrayed and doubt their ability to form and maintain loving relationships in the future.

Challenges of Isolation: Post-divorce life can often lead to isolation, particularly if mutual friends take sides. The sudden loss of companionship and support can result in feelings of loneliness and a sense of detachment from social circles.

Many people can navigate a divorce or the dissolution of a long-term relationship on their own, despite the pain and uncertainty. However, for some, the experience can be crippling, making it difficult to overcome the sadness and loss. Divorce can affect all aspects of your life, from your emotional well-being to your physical health.

Seeking divorce counselling can be a vital step in self-care when the pain becomes too overwhelming to handle alone. This is particularly true if you have children, as your emotional health is essential to fully support them during this challenging time. Taking care of yourself allows you to be better equipped to care for your children.

If you’re unsure if divorce counselling is right for you, here are some signs that may indicate you need professional help. These symptoms vary from mild to severe, and although everyone is unique, these are common signs to consider when seeking divorce therapy:

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep throughout the night
• Self-loathing or feeling like a disappointment
• Feeling unworthy of love or happiness
• Physical symptoms of stress
• Sudden and dramatic weight loss or weight gain
• Social withdrawal and isolation
• Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
• Uncontrollable anger and rage
• Chronic depression
• Suicidal thoughts and attempts
• Anxiety or excessive worry that interferes with your ability to perform everyday activities

Therapy is an invaluable resource for managing the negative emotions that arise from a breakup or divorce. It helps to:

• Neutralise negative emotions.
• Regain control over your life.
• Achieve a sense of closure to move forward.
• Learn and grow stronger from the painful experience.
• Develop a deep understanding of your inner self.

The breakdown of a relationship can be one of the most challenging times in one’s life, often compared to the grief experienced with death. Separation and divorce bring about a form of complicated grief, as many of the losses are intangible. Divorce counselling supports individuals as they navigate these losses and adapt to a new way of living.

Specialised divorce counselling also provides the advantage of working with counsellors who are knowledgeable about the legal aspects of separation and divorce. They understand how the legal process can impact an individual’s emotional state and vice versa.

Counsellors can assist parents in explaining the separation or divorce to their children and guide them in addressing their children’s emotional needs. Our counsellors are trained to support children directly, helping them through this challenging transition.

How Can Divorce Counselling Help Me?

Divorce counselling offers numerous benefits, helping you to:

• Work through the stages of divorce: Navigate the complex emotions and stages of grief.
• Develop coping skills: Learn techniques to manage emotional pain effectively.
• Provide family support: Offer counselling for the entire family to ensure everyone receives the necessary support.
• Relationship coaching: Understand the reasons behind the relationship’s failure and prevent similar issues in the future.

Why Consider Counselling for Separation or Divorce?

• Communication: Emphasize the importance of maintaining open and respectful communication during the separation process to resolve outstanding issues amicably.
• Emotional Support: Provide a space to process these feelings constructively.
• Children’s Well-being: Focus on the well-being of any children involved, offering strategies to support them through the transition.

1. Shock:
   “I can’t believe this is really happening.”
   Divorce can feel like an unexpected blow, leaving individuals stunned and disoriented.

2. Anger:
   “You will regret it!”
   “You left me to handle everything alone.”
   Feelings of frustration and betrayal can fuel anger towards a partner.

3. Disillusionment:
   “How could you do this to me? I never expected this.”
   People may struggle to reconcile the person they thought their partner was with their actions.

4. Guilt:
   “I hurt them. They didn’t deserve this pain.”
   Guilt often arises when individuals reflect on their role in the relationship.

5. Excitement:
   “I will start a new life now!”
   For some, the prospect of a fresh start brings relief and hope.

6. Denial:
   “It’s too much.”
   “I need someone to clearly say it to me.”
   Denial serves as a temporary coping mechanism to avoid facing the reality of separation.

7. Insecurity:
   “Did I make the right decision?”
   Doubts can surface as individuals question their choices.

8. Hopelessness:
   “I went to bed and wished I wouldn’t wake up the next morning.”
   Divorce can feel overwhelming and lead to feelings of despair.

9. Hopefulness:
   “I hope to find a kind and caring partner for my kids to see what a loving relationship is.”
   Optimism about a better future can coexist with pain.

10. Desperation:
    “Please stay…”
    The fear of being alone or losing a connection can result in pleading for reconciliation.

11. Loneliness:
    “No one cares about me.”
    The loss of a partner can feel isolating and amplify feelings of solitude.

12. Rejection:
    “I am not worthy of love.”
    Rejection can deeply impact self-esteem and lead to self-doubt.

13. Self-Blame:
    “I should have tried harder.”
    Individuals often internalise blame for the breakdown of the relationship.

14. Fear:
    “I will be judged. I will be forgotten. I will repeat the same mistakes.”
    The uncertainty of the future can create anxiety about societal or personal failure.

15. Embarrassment:
    “How will I face my colleagues and family now?”
    Divorce can feel like a public admission of failure, triggering shame.

16. Disappointment:
    “I never wanted it to end like this.”
    People may mourn the loss of the future they envisioned with their partner.

17. Gratitude:
    “Thank you for all the nice memories.”
    Despite the pain, some individuals find space to appreciate the good moments.

18. Betrayal:
    “Your love was a lie.”
    Infidelity or broken promises can intensify feelings of betrayal.

19. Confusion:
    “I don’t know what I want or who I am.”
    Divorce often shakes one’s sense of identity and life direction.

20. Low Self-Esteem:
    “I am not going to make it on my own.”
    “I don’t matter to anyone.”
    Divorce can erode self-confidence and trigger feelings of inadequacy.

21. Sadness:
    “I miss them. I miss the person I met at the beginning of our relationship.”
    Loss and longing are natural parts of the grieving process.

22. Stress:
    “What about the kids? I should compensate for the pain I’ve caused them.”
    Practical concerns, like parenting, finances, and logistics, can heighten stress levels.

How Can Counselling Help With These Emotions?

At Listening Ear Counselling & Consultancy Pte. Ltd., we provide a safe space to explore and process these complex emotions. Through tailored approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, and Trauma-Informed Practices, we help individuals:

• Understand and manage their feelings.
• Build healthier coping mechanisms.
• Regain confidence and clarity for the next chapter of their lives.

Reach out today to start your healing journey.

Divorce is a loss much like death. When grieving a loss, you move through several stages as part of the mourning process. Divorce follows a similar pattern but has its own unique phases.

The goal of a divorce counsellor is to help you navigate these emotional stages, understand that what you’re feeling is normal and natural, and prepare you for the changes ahead. Here are the typical emotional stages of divorce:

The goal of a divorce counselor is to help you navigate these emotional stages, understand that what you’re feeling is normal and natural, and prepare you for the changes ahead. Here are the typical emotional stages of divorce:

1. Denial: The Initial Defense Mechanism

Denial is a natural defense mechanism that enables people to shield themselves from strong emotions. During this stage, it might be challenging to accept that your marriage is ending. Denial frequently manifests as shock, doubt, and an unwillingness to accept the truth. Admitting that your marriage is over is the first step in getting better. Talking to friends, family, or a mental health professional can provide much-needed support during this difficult stage.

2. Anger: The Storm of Emotions

Following the fading of denial, the subsequent stage involves encountering anger. This potent sentiment might be directed toward one’s former partner, oneself, or external factors that appear to have contributed to the marriage’s end. Anger can be intense and may manifest through outbursts, irritability, or resentment. Recognizing that anger is a legitimate emotion within the grieving process is important. Engaging in physical activities, seeking therapy, or embracing mindfulness techniques can aid individuals in navigating anger effectively.

3. Bargaining: The “What Ifs” and Regrets

The stage of bargaining entails wrestling with notions of how the marriage could have been rescued through different actions. Individuals might become entangled in a maze of “what ifs” and “if onlys,” yearning to rewind time and restore their former life. During this stage, it becomes crucial to cultivate self-compassion and acknowledge the unalterable nature of the past. Enlisting the aid of a therapist or counselor can facilitate the processing of these emotions and the gradual release of regrets, enabling individuals to shift their focus toward the present and the days ahead.

4. Depression: The Abyss of Sadness

The phase of depression stands as one of the most demanding periods. Feelings of profound sorrow, isolation, and despair might envelop individuals at this juncture. The allure of activities once cherished may wane, and finding happiness could become an arduous task. It’s vital to recognize that depression is an expected reaction to substantial loss. Reaching out for professional assistance from a mental health counselor can offer a comforting and unbiased environment to work through emotions and construct coping mechanisms. Therapy serves as an essential resource to guide individuals through the shadows and uncover fragments of hope.

5. Acceptance: Embracing the New Beginning

The concluding stage is marked by acceptance. This is when individuals reconcile with the altered reality of their situation. Acceptance doesn’t involve erasing memories or forsaking the past, but rather recognizing that the marriage has concluded and it’s time to progress. Reaching acceptance is a transformative journey unique to each individual. Engaging in therapy can play a pivotal role in nurturing self-exploration, fostering personal development, and building resilience. With the guidance of a mental health expert, individuals can navigate this stage and envision a fresh chapter in their lives.

Moving Forward After Divorce

Going through a divorce and moving on after divorce is a personal and gradual process. No one can dictate the timeline or process of your grief. The five stages of divorce grief is a guide, and a way to help you understand some of the common feelings you might experience along the way. It’s a way to remind yourself that you’re not alone, and that your experiences are normal and human.

Healing is not a linear process and it’s hard to do on your own. You may experience periods of regression or difficulty over time, but having the tools and coping mechanisms in place will mean you can work through those periods with confidence

Divorce can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, but there are practical steps you can take to support yourself during and after this challenging time:

1. Embrace Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and avoid self-blame. Healing takes time, so treat yourself with the same understanding you’d offer a friend in a similar situation.

2. Seek Professional Support: Both individual and couples counselling can provide valuable tools to navigate your emotions and establish healthy post-divorce dynamics, especially when co-parenting.

3. Connect with Support Groups: Join groups of individuals going through similar experiences to share feelings, gain insights, and feel less alone.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries: Clearly communicate your needs with your ex-partner, particularly around co-parenting. Healthy boundaries reduce stress and help avoid unnecessary conflict.

5. Rediscover Your Identity: Take time to focus on personal growth. Pursue hobbies, reflect on your goals, and explore new interests to redefine who you are outside the relationship.

6. Prioritise Co-Parenting Strategies: Work collaboratively with your ex to create a supportive and structured environment for your children. Consider co-parenting counselling if needed.

7. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge every small step forward, like handling a difficult conversation or embracing a moment of self-care.

8. Create a Vision for the Future: Reflect on what you want your post-divorce life to look like. Set realistic goals to guide you toward a fulfilling and positive future.

9. Practise Open Communication: Maintain clear and respectful communication with your ex-partner, family, and friends to build healthier relationships moving forward.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength. At Listening Ear Counselling & Consultancy Pte. Ltd., we’re here to provide compassionate support tailored to your needs.

Divorce grief is a profound emotional response to the end of a marriage. It encompasses feelings of loss, sadness, and uncertainty, similar to grieving a death, but with unique challenges such as societal stigma and unresolved relational dynamics.

Why Does Divorce Grief Feel Isolating?

1. Feeling of Isolation: Divorce grief often lacks the communal support associated with other types of grief, such as the death of a loved one. While societal stigma around divorce has lessened, feelings of shame, failure, or guilt can still arise, deepening loneliness.
2. Lack of Common Rituals: Unlike mourning rituals for death, divorce doesn’t have widely accepted ceremonies to acknowledge the loss. This absence can leave friends and family unsure of how to offer support.
3. How to Seek Support: Communicate your needs to loved ones and express your emotions openly. Seeking professional counselling can also provide guidance and reduce feelings of isolation.

What is the Impact of Stigma and Guilt on Divorce Grief?

1. Societal Stigma: Judgmental remarks like, “What about the children?” or “You should have thought before marrying,” can amplify feelings of shame and self-blame, making the grieving process more difficult.
2. Personal Guilt: Divorce often brings self-doubt and guilt, especially when children are involved.
3. Navigating Stigma and Guilt: Recognise these feelings as natural and seek professional support to address them. Understanding that you’re not alone in experiencing these emotions can help alleviate their impact.

How Long Does Divorce Grief Last?

1. No Set Timeline: Divorce grief is a highly individual process with no fixed duration. You may experience a range of emotions over weeks, months, or even years.
2. Stages of Grief: Divorce grief often mirrors the stages of grief associated with death, including:
   • Denial: Shock and disbelief about the end of the marriage.
   • Anger: Intense emotions directed at oneself, the ex-partner, or external factors.
   • Bargaining: Thoughts of “what if” or “if only,” attempting to reverse the situation.
   • Depression: Profound sadness and a sense of loss.
   • Acceptance: Coming to terms with the divorce and beginning to move forward.
3. Navigating the Stages: Not everyone experiences the stages in the same order or intensity. Some stages may last longer, and it’s normal to revisit certain emotions. Counselling can help if you feel stuck in any phase.

Moving Forward from Divorce Grief

Understanding that divorce grief is a process, not a destination, can help you approach it with patience and self-compassion. With time, professional support, and open communication, you can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce and rebuild a fulfilling life.

Navigating divorce grief may involve helping children through the process as well. It’s important to recognize that children will feel a range of emotions that go along with divorce. Their perspective on life is changing and they are not yet emotionally developed with resiliency or coping skills—even as adults, that’s hard!

Open Communication

Demonstrating open communication and encouraging kids and teens to express themselves can help create trust and safety at home. Let them ask questions, and be mindful of age-appropriate answers. Let them express sadness or anger, just as you need to.

Reinforce and Reassure

Let children know their feelings are normal and valid and reinforce continued love. Unless there is a valid reason the child should not be with the other parent, create consistency and encourage them to spend time with both. Positively reinforce the time they spend with the other parent.

Monitor Adult Conversations

Even if your child is older, maintain healthy boundaries and be mindful of which conversations they’re involved in. You can be honest with them without involving them in adult matters like legal or financial struggles.

Monitor Their Behaviour

It may not be a coincidence if you notice changes in their behaviour or habits. Continue to keep attention on their grades and participation in extracurriculars. Those changes can be clues to negative emotions that need to be addressed.

Keep Their Routine

Self-care matters to kids too. Keep a steady bedtime, healthy foods, and regular activities.

Give Them Choice and Agency

If it’s age-appropriate and safe in your situation, give them some choice about visiting schedules or activities they do with each parent. They are discovering a new life as well, let them have some choice in what it looks like.

Consider Family Therapy or Child Counselling

This is a big change. Working with a counsellor or a support group can help with emotional expression, conflict resolution, communication skills, and coping strategies. It can take a bit of the pressure off the parents to have another person step up to help emotionally—you have a lot on your plate.

Take Care of Yourself

Kids are very aware of adults’ wellbeing and emotional state. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Demonstrating you’re mindful of your pain and are actively working through it teaches kids resilience and self-worth and helps them feel less scared in the long run.

Just like adults, validating feelings and allowing for time and space to adjust to new dynamics, honouring a range of emotions, and being patient is important for kids. Remember, kids might not express their feelings in ways you’d expect, so it’s important to keep attention on other cues and clues to how they’re feeling.

Supporting Someone Through Divorce: Be there to listen without judgement, offer practical help like childcare or meal preparation, and encourage them to seek professional counselling. Avoid making dismissive or judgemental comments, and instead, provide a supportive and understanding presence.

In Singapore, there are free divorce counselling services available through the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF). These services, such as the Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centres (FAM@FSCs), offer support for couples and families navigating separation. Learn more about MSF’s free counselling services here.