We’re often told that growth happens when we push ourselves. As Dr. Viscott once said, if you want to feel safe, do what you already know. If you want to grow, step into the edge of your competence. In theory, this sounds simple. In real life, especially for people with trauma, it’s anything but.
When we look at why some people struggle to learn from mistakes or resist stepping outside their comfort zone, it’s important to understand that not all hesitation is about attitude or effort. Sometimes, it’s about safety.
The Learning Zone Model helps explain this. We all have a Comfort Zone where things feel familiar and manageable. Just outside it sits the Learning Zone, where growth happens through challenge. Beyond that is the Panic Zone, where fear overwhelms the nervous system and learning shuts down. For someone with trauma, that Panic Zone can be much closer than we realise.
What looks like avoidance, stubbornness, or resistance is often a nervous system doing its job. Past experiences shape how the brain responds to risk. For someone who has felt unsafe before, even small challenges can feel threatening. Pushing harder doesn’t build resilience. It reinforces fear.
I saw this clearly as a parent. After a minor incident in a play pool, my son became terrified of water. His body froze near pools or the sea. It wasn’t logic or defiance. It was his nervous system remembering a moment of overwhelm. What helped wasn’t forcing him in, but play, patience, gradual exposure, and trauma informed support. Slowly, safety returned. Learning followed.
This matters for parents, teachers, managers, and anyone guiding others. When someone keeps making the same mistake or seems unable to move forward, frustration is understandable. But replacing frustration with curiosity changes everything. Instead of asking “Why won’t they try?” we start asking “What feels unsafe here?”
Growth happens when people feel supported, not pushed. Invitations work better than demands. Safety creates space for choice. Empathy opens the door to learning.
This is where non violent communication becomes powerful. When we slow down, reflect on how we speak, and listen without judgement, we help regulate the space around us. That regulation makes learning possible.
Not everyone’s learning journey looks the same. Some paths are slower, more cautious, more layered. That doesn’t mean they’re failing. It means they’re human.
When we understand trauma’s impact, we stop forcing growth and start nurturing it. And that’s when real learning begins.
