When Love Is There but Pain Still Happens
Sometimes people come into therapy saying,
“I love my partner. I really do. So why have we hurt each other so badly?”
It might begin with something small, a message, a search history, a comment, or a moment of emotional distance. Suddenly one partner feels unseen, unwanted, or replaced. Maybe the comparison is about body shape, confidence, success, or simply feeling like someone else seems more attractive or more secure. And before logic has time to catch up, the heart quietly asks,
“Am I still enough?”
“Am I still chosen?”
That kind of hurt does not come from weakness. It comes from how deeply we are wired for connection.
Long before modern relationships, human beings depended on one another for protection, food, and the survival of children. Our brains evolved to notice cues that once suggested health and vitality, strength and protection, the ability to nurture and provide, and social belonging and safety. These were not conscious decisions. They were automatic survival shortcuts built into the nervous system.
Today, those instincts quietly adapt to modern life. We may read safety in physical fitness, confidence, social status, career success, or emotional charisma. So when someone we love seems drawn, even in imagination, to a person who carries these signals, the pain may not be about attraction alone. It may be about something much deeper.
“Will I still be safe here?”
“Will I still be chosen?”
That fear comes from a very old part of the human story.
Many people describe the comparison in gentle but painful ways. “They seem more curvaceous than me.” “He is taller, more confident, more admired.” “They look like they belong in a different world.” These thoughts are rarely about vanity. They are about belonging, safety, and emotional security.
Psychology has long shown that humans naturally evaluate themselves through comparison, especially in close relationships where attachment matters most (Festinger, 1954). When that comparison feels unfavourable, it can quickly turn into shame or fear of loss. That is why even private thoughts or fantasies can feel like a threat to the relationship bond.
Many people are surprised to learn that sexual fantasy is common and does not automatically mean someone is unhappy in their relationship (Leitenberg and Henning, 1995). Fantasy often reflects curiosity, stress relief, emotional escape, or imagination rather than intention. But what matters is not just whether fantasy exists. What matters is the role it plays.
Does it stay separate from emotional connection? Or does it replace closeness and honest communication? Is it open, or is it hidden and wrapped in shame?
When fantasy becomes a substitute for emotional or relational connection, the issue is not sexuality. It is disconnection.
From an attachment point of view, relationships are built on emotional availability and responsiveness. When that bond feels threatened, the nervous system reacts. This is what Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) calls an attachment injury, a moment when emotional safety feels shaken (Johnson, 2019).
So the pain is not about controlling your partner’s thoughts. It is about protecting the relationship bond. That is why many people say, “I know nothing physical happened, but it still feels like betrayal.” And that experience deserves to be taken seriously in all relationships, whether heterosexual or same-sex.
Most people do not set out to harm the person they love. They are often overwhelmed, emotionally disconnected, unsure how to express deeper needs, or using coping strategies they never questioned. And the hurt partner is often reacting not only to the present situation, but also to deeper fears of abandonment or not being enough.
So two good people can end up deeply hurting each other, not because they do not care, but because they do not yet understand what is happening beneath the surface.
At Listening Ear Counselling and Consultancy Pte. Ltd., we support individuals and couples with infidelity and emotional betrayal, body image and self-worth concerns, sexual and intimacy difficulties, and rebuilding emotional safety and trust. Our approach is warm, trauma-informed, culturally sensitive, and grounded in evidence-based relationship therapy.
If any part of this feels familiar, you do not have to carry it alone.
Next in the series:
“I Did Not Mean to Hurt You but I Did – When Explanations Do Not Heal Trauma”
